Biddie Costumes: a Hallow-ution (Halloween + Solution)

The best time of the year is upon us.  Pumpkins are being carved, my meals consist solely of candy corn, and every store is playing Christmas music.  Oh, and I almost forgot, the costumes.  Yes, Halloween is undoubtedly my favorite holiday.  I’ve had a lot of great memories partaking in various age-appropriate celebrations, although two things that have remained fun every year are dressing up as Cinderella and stuffing as many Reeces cups into your mouth at once as possible.  If you aren’t Amish, you’re probably aware that in college, Halloween is a chance for girls to dress up as sexy cats or nurses, spill alcohol down the front of their $40 costume, and make out with an equally sloppy Mario or Luigi (or if she’s really struck gold a giant penis).  This comic from theoatmeal.com depicts Halloween in college perfectly:

uh...at least he asks?

But this year I am urging all you biddie-readers to do something completely original and not dress like a slut.  One of my least favorite things about parties is being hit on when you are just trying to dance with your betches (being biddie-licous is harder than it looks).  I know it’ll be hard to not dress like a mouse when all your friends are buying cute leotards, but it’ll be fun and I’ll even give you some costume ideas, some of which are solely designed to fend off unwarranted sexual attention. 

• Instead of being “Jasmine” (usually achieved by wearing a see-through genie get-up), why not be Abu?  Besides the magic carpet, he’s the best character in Aladdin.  Also, instead of having to make awkward keg-side conversation with people all night, you can just speak in a series of squeaks.  (Other costumes along these lines include Rafiki from Lion King or Donny, the insane kid from The Wild Thornberries.)
• You could be a hummingbird.  Really any bird will do.  Cover yourself in feathers, then attach a beak to your face (at least 6 inches in length).  You’ll be able to sip your drank but simultaneously avoid making out with strangers, especially if you make the beak threateningly sharp and claim that it’s just “realistic” (seriously hummingbirds have really sharp beaks).  
• Another good one is Santa Claus.  I haven’t looked into it [yet] but I don’t think Santa rental costumes are too unreasonably priced, just make sure it includes the beard and will make you look at least 300 pounds (you know what they say, under 280, not a lady!).  This is also great because you can eat cookies all night. 
• If you’re going for a more classic look, be a witch.  In order to not half-ass it, you’ll need about 20 yards of floor length black wool and some sort of gel that will make you look like you have warts all over your face.  A fake nose, almost to the point of the aforementioned beak, would ensure security for your lips, but paired with a unibrow your sex appeal would just scream “mystery.”Go for something like this:

• If you’re disgusting and want to do a couples costume with your boyfriend, or are just trying to freak people out, try being Mary and Joseph.  Don’t forget a [fake] baby and a [real] donkey to complete the look. 
•  Any costume that involves cross-dressing is a safe bet, just make sure it’s way over the top.  Mr. Clean, Mike Tyson, or Ronald Reagan will successfully scare away boys. 

• If you still want to look kind of cute, you could be an obnoxiously large present and just wear a box all night (the risk factor here is that boys will think it’s clever to ask if they can “unwrap you”). 

For me, the best part about Halloween is a sort of scavenger hunt I do with myself.*  On my list of costumes I hope to spot this year are the hamsters from the Kia Soul commercial (extra points for the robots), Casey Anthony (I probably won’t find this one because most people with souls would say it’s “too soon”), and an Asian tourist.  My favorite costumes are those that are politically incorrect, plays on words, and overtly stereotypical.


HAPPY TRICKS AND TREATS!

*If you want to scavenge with me, I totally encourage that, just be aware it’s negative points for every hippie, Waldo, or Flinstones character you see.