Friday, November 9, 2012

Annoying People Friday: Girls at Football Games

We've all seen them.  Sometimes they're on the internet shrouded in lies, sometimes they are in real life, disguised yet unmistakable.  No, not sasquatches, girls who pretend to like football.

Which is pretty much every girl ever.  Unless you grew up with 15 brothers or you are the little girl in Remember the Titans then you do not like football.  If you say you do, you are lying.  Oh, what's that?  You disagree?  Let me tell you what you really like, which is either a) tailgating (read: mimosas and hot dogs) or b) the feeling that some guy is attracted to you because of your fake allegiance to a team your dad loves but you can't name three players on.  There's nothing wrong with that, but neither of those things are football.

BTW, did you guys know this is Hayden Panetierre?  I did not.
Yet, biddies still post statuses about game day wooooooo, put on their most spirited sundresses and bows and head to the stadium to sit through either half or three quarters of a game.  (How long they stay is directly correlated to how many mimosas were consumed on the way in to the game.)  They might clap a few times or yell "go defense" as the offense converts on a third down.  But here is mostly what they do.

They take pictures of themselves.  Not one, but 30, because inevitably it was someone's bad side or the wind was blowing or in reality they're just ugly.  These photos are promptly Instagrammed with some silly-ass filter reminiscent of when Piknik was popular then uploaded to the Internet so everyone can see how much they love football.  If you see this, it's best to try and discreetly photobomb as many as possible, such as a double chin with drool or picking your nose.

This girl knows.
Then they start to get the drunchies.  If you are a fan in the vicinity of these girls, this is both a nightmare and a dream come true.  It's a nightmare because you have to listen to them talk about how they're hungry for literally a quarter of the game, but the result is magical.  First they have to discuss how much they already ate and how they shouldn't be hungry but they are, so weird, and then they have to decide what they all want to eat, which would be awesome if they were zombies because then they could just eat each other's brains.  I digress.  Anyway after that intense deliberation they go on a manic search for cheese-stuffed soft pretzels with extra salt or Waffle House.  

Either way, they're not coming back.  On your way out you may encounter one of these scenarios:
  1. One of the girls is getting arrested (hilarious, and unfortunate, yet still hilarious),
  2. One of the girls is throwing up in the bathroom (gross, and unfortunate),
  3. One of the girls is crying because she lost her phone/her friend ditched her/her crush didn't save her a seat, or
  4. They're back in the parking lot in full tailgating mode, ready to drink everyone else's beer and eat everyone else's cheese puffs.
I guess my point is that if you're a girl, it's much more respectable to just be straight up.  Don't waste everybody's time pretending to know things that you don't.  You'll enjoy yourself more, and so will everyone else because they won't have to explain that a tight end is NOT how number 88's pants fit.  

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