Friday, November 23, 2012

Instagram: #NoFilter

Everyone needs a creative outlet.  It's part of our innate being, a creative fiber woven into us, right between the reproductive fiber and needing-food fiber.  What's that?  You don't think cavewomen sat around the fire exchanging marinade recipes or DIY bearskin loincloth instructions as they gnawed on saber tooth tiger leg?  Well then you probably think the world was created in seven days and Santa Claus is more real than global warming.  Anyway, there's a few things that biddies do to keep themselves feeling creative and inspired.  By "a few" I mean two, and since one of them is Pinterest, which I've already discussed, today I'm going to talk about Instagram.

Instagram is one of those new social media outlet things, exclusively designed to share photos.  Like many other social media outlets you have stalkers (excuse me, followers), and stalk others.  Here's how you do it: be a biddie, take a picture, pick a filter, and instantaneously upload your picture for the whole world to see.  Remember film cameras?  No?  Me neither.  Anyway, there are really only seven pictures that ever go up on Instagram.

Pictures of Food
Not just any food.  It's either a mediocre looking dinner they just cooked, a decadent cheesecake dessert, or a disturbing amount of fast food at 2 a.m.  Exceptions are for barrels of apples at the farmer's market and that's it.  Captions usually include #nomnomnom or a statement about how fat they are, which I am invariably tempted to reply with "eat a salad then."

Rainy sky with a puddle on the street, a countryside in the afternoon, or a sunset with the caption #nofilter (this clarifies that the sunset is beautiful because of her photography skills, not some cheap digital enhancement or the automatic aperture on her iPhone).

These are pictures that pertain to whatever season is occurring, and also includes national holidays and events.  During the fall it's all about pictures of your pumpkin spice latte and leaves in the background, the summer it's all about the pair of shorts you painted to look like the American flag.  Be prepared for a lot of Christmas decorations coming up.

Throwback Thursday
Every Thursday, you're supposed to post a picture from your past.  Usually these are pictures that were taken two weeks ago, or else when you were still at that age when you were cute (a narrow window between two and six).  For my followers' disgust I like to post pictures of myself in middle school because that was just heinous.

Pet Pictures
Literally today I just wished I had a pet for the sole reason of posting close-ups of its face on Instagram.  Captions are usually something "witty" about how Dog is the only snuggle buddy I need.  I've also found a somewhat scientific correlation between how many pictures of your cat you post and how single you are.

Significant Others
But if you're not single, it's your right to let the world know and post eight pictures of you and your boyf at a winery or on your back porch.  <3s required.

Friend Pics
These come in a variety of packages: sometimes it is a collage of all your friend groups with a caption talking about how much you love all the people in your life, sometimes it is a mirror pic of you and your "bestie since freshman year" at a party, sometimes it is of all your betches lined up in formation with perfect leg pops and skinny arms.  This category also includes screen shots of text conversations you and your friend had that are in no way funny to the public but illustrates how close the two of you are.  Also, I'm pretty sure the only reason biddies do Color Runs is so they can Instagram pictures of themselves afterward.

I love Instagram, because I like pictures and reading is hard and Twitter is like definitely the new Facebook now.  But,  I do think it's slightly ironic that a tool that is supposed to generate and facilitate creativity has got all of our pictures looking the same...

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