Why I Would Never Date Me

I've always thought having the ability to make fun of yourself and self-deprecation were effective humor techniques.  Take the time when I joke-ran the mile in middle school: it was better to end up second to last because I wanted to run backwards rather than because I actually tried and was just gravely non-athletic.  Hilarious, yeah? ...But I'm not here to talk about my adolescent insecurities for that is a post in itself.  I'm here to talk about how I am a 100 percent un-dateable, certifiably crazy girlfriend.  I say this not in jest.  This is serious.

If I were a boy encountering me, I might think, "Hey, that girl's really hot, funny, poised, down-to-earth, and she smells like fresh, feminine dew drops on rose petals."  It's not purposeful, but this is just the effect I have on people.  Say Boy Sallie started dating me; it might be fun and spontaneous for a couple weeks, or a month, or maybe even three whole months!  But soon enough I let my true colors fly, as certain as puking follows eating one too many bites of pancakes.

I am moody.  My mom said this would pass after puberty, and maybe I'm still going through it, but I am still at the complete whim of my hormones.  One minute we can be cuddling, lovingly stroking each other's forearms whilst watching a movie, and the next minute Raging Bitch Mode has been activated and I won't speak to you for the rest of the night.  Why, you ask?

More often than not the truth is I don't know why, but you better either a) shut up right now and stop apologizing for whatever imaginary crime you've committed or b) profusely apologize for whatever imaginary crime you've committed.  It's up to you to decide which one, because I sure as hell don't know, but if you guess wrong then that's another day of the cold shoulder for you, mister.

I am not a girl.  Society (Cosmo) tells me that guys like girls who can be "one of the dudes," while still being feminine and sexy, a.k.a. girls who comprise 1 percent of the population.  Well, guess what?  I can do one of those things, which means I can fart in my sleep and be overly competitive.  I burp for at least three hours after I eat and I update everyone around me on my pooping habits daily.

I wear the pants.  And if you try to take them from me, I'll kill you.  I decide what happens in this relationship.  If you say you can't hang out with me on Friday like we'd planned, I'll say, "No problem, I totally understand!" but you'll be paying the consequences for weeks.

I talk non-stop. About things you don't care about: drama between my friends, what I ate for lunch, how smoothly I digested it, why my shower that morning was sub-par.  On and on and on. You'd think having a blog and Twitter account would be enough of an outlet for my every mundane thought, but what are boyfriends if not a captive audience?

In addition to my outright negative qualities, I also lack all the redeeming qualities a girlfriend should possess.  I can't cook, I can't tie ties, and I absolutely do not take criticism of my driving well.  However, I'm always down for fun dates, like baseball games and going to the shooting range (if you're paying).