I'm going to be upfront here: I hate you. I hate you all, not because I actually think you are douches (most of you), but because I'm jealous, and when I'm jealous I make rude generalities and blanket statements. I'm jealous that you have Google Maps on your phone and have never had to reverse in traffic on a Richmond highway because you don't know where you are. I'm jealous that you have infinite glitter phone case options. I'm jealous that it's okay for you to take pictures of your self on your phone because there is a setting especially for that purpose. I'm jealous that you can play Scramble with your friends. I'm jealous that when you look at your phone you're actually doing something, not just looking at pictures of your cat.
Why do I have a dumb phone? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. I'm not capable of owning nice things because I invariably leave them in toilets, around parking lots, or in puddles of drink condensation at the bar. My phone has gone careening through the air too many times in the presence of my dad to make it unlikely that I'll ever get a smart phone. In fact, I'm not getting an upgrade this year, I'm getting a beeper.
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| You hate to see that. |
But the thing I hate more than anything about iPhone users is that they think everyone has them. And yes, while more than half of cell phone users own smart phones, that doesn't mean they shouldn't conform to my needs. Here are a few things iPhonians need to keep in mind when interacting with the plebeian sector of society.
1. Don't double text me. This isn't iMessage. It's a big deal when I get a text: my phone vibrates at about a seven on the Richter scale, not once but thrice, and it takes a solid five seconds to open up the text. Don't text-on-text me. Let me savor your first message, and I will respond in a timely manner, consolidating everything I need to in a concise, 160-character sext.
2. I don't get mass texts from iPhones. It shows up blank, so you can imagine that after going through the aforementioned process of receiving a text it is a huge letdown. It's like getting a toy with batteries not included, or getting to McDonald's three minutes after breakfast ended. How about iNo.
3. When you tweet those little emoticons from your iPhone I can't tell what they are. Do you know what it feels like to be left out? A lot like when your best friend is on homecoming court in high school and you're not (or so my best friend tells me).
4. This last one goes for everyone. If we're hanging out, you need to be listening to my problems, not paying attention to your phone. I understand that Facebook is like a suction on your mind and probably more interesting than me, but all you need to do is make eye contact and throw in a "yeah" at the appropriate times. Manners go a long way, assholes.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go convince myself that phones that do anything other than send texts and receive calls are stupid.
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| Sorry Karen, you're breaking up. I'm going to have to call you back once I get to the office. |
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| This bad boy hasn't let me down since '93. |
Sent from my flip phone.
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