Tutorial Tuesday: How to Get Over a Breakup

Eventually, everyone I date realizes I'm crazy and breaks up with me (unless prior to that point the boyfriend in question does something to lose my affection like run into their ex-girlfriend at the grocery store on accident or sucks at back massages).  Everyone deals with their pain differently, but I've come up with a fool-proof method for getting over a man, and trust me, it's not hard.  In the words of my best friend and mentor Beyonce, "I can have another you in a minute so don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable."

On that note (pun intended), the first thing you need to do is turn to man's great healer and outlet of angst: shitty music.  Every breakup has a designated breakup song, but it's important that you not choose a song you like because it will forever be ruined.  After all, why taint a perfectly good Celine Dion album with the memory of some douchebag?  I much prefer to listen to Indigo Girls or Hinder on repeat for two weeks straight.

Next, you need to find something to replace the hole in your life.  Keep a positive outlook.  You can now dedicate that daily 30 minute conversation during which you had to pretend to care about what he ate and did that day to something much more fulfilling and productive, like drinking wine or taking bubble baths.  You can stop shaving your legs so much and buy a cat.  You are a free woman.

Do NOT, I repeat, do not throw away everything he gives you.  Hollywood tells us we need to have pagan burnings of all the photos you took together and all the gifts he hopefully showered you with, but it's just not true.  Sell the jewelry and clothes.  One biddie's trash[y, deceptively expensive-looking rings and necklaces] are another's treasure.  Also, don't try to get revenge, especially publicly.  Keep the angsty lyrics off your Facebook.  I know it's tempting to stalk his new girlfriend and warn her about him or slash his tires, but it's much better to be the mature one.

After you've spent the appropriate amount of time* finding solace in online shopping or scrapbooking, you can transform yourself into the "new you."  This is essentially when you get to buy an entirely new, glittered-out wardrobe and go out, dance on tables, and flirt unabashedly with anyone you see because you are just doing you.

*Don't listen to any of those rules about how long you should spend getting over someone based on how long you've dated.  The amount of time dedicated to getting over a breakup is solely related to the amount of meals he paid for on a weekly basis.  For example, if he bought you Chili's once a month he deserves a day, maybe.  If you had sushi dates once a week followed by a movie of your choice and ice cream afterward, by all means, take your time.

Let me leave you with this nugget of wisdom: Breakups may seem like low points in your life, but they are actually the best times because it is all about you, and honestly I'm the best person I know.  Breakups are the only times it's acceptable to eat a whole box of cookies in one sitting or force your friends to watch The O.C. with you as they scratch your back.

And remember, everything you own, in a box to the left.  Get it girl.