Ways Not to Use Facebook

Facebook: the great connector, procrastinator, and creep mobile.  I can't lie and say I don't miss Myspace bulletins or redesigning my AIM buddy profile to LoOk LiKe ThIs.   Okay, I don't miss that but the point is I've been using the Book since 2006 and I've never looked back.  My brother told me not to get it because it was stupid, creepy, and a waste of time...so it was immediately something I wanted (kind of like Furbies, but I never got one of those).  Anyway, invite me into your Google + Circle all you want but once you go Zuck you never back.

Babe alert.

HOWEVER.  There's always those people that have to ruin things for everyone.  Much like kids who threw up on the bus your 8th grade field trip to DC, these users -- or should i say mis-users -- fill the cyber world up with their trash and make me almost want to stop tracking down every girl my boyfriend has possibly talked to and seeing how hot they are.  (Almost.)

Firstly, Facebook is not a place to publicize your report card.  No one cares what your GPA is nor what grade you got in Hardest Class Ever 321.  You have 2 exams down, 41 to go?  Wow, your course load must blow mine out of the water.  If you're going to brag or complain about school, call your mom -- that's what she's for.

Secondly, don't use it to barrage all your friends with causes and news articles and TED Talks you think are worthwhile.  I think it's great that you care (seriously!) but just because you donate to the National Wolverine Protection Agency doesn't mean we should too, or that we want to read about it every other status update.  Also, just because you make a group about something doesn't mean it changes the world.  Let's not allow our generation to become one who solves the world's problems by making a Facebook event page about it.

Pregnant ladies are by far the worst offenders.  I don't know when it became okay to put pictures of your fetus as your prof pic but let me assure you it's weird.  Similarly, making your unborn child its own account is about 7 miles over the line.

We all know God is everywhere and you better believe he's on Facebook, just like your parents are.  Keep your profile clean.  I understand how tempting it is to put all your fun party pics up -- after all, drinking Natty makes you way cooler than the rest of us -- but use your common sense.  It's not Wasty-Facebook.

"It's a Dr. Pepper bong, Mom."

As you can see if you look over there to the right, I'm an avid tweeter (follow me bitchez!).  If I follow you, I'm probably also friends with you on FB, and I don't appreciate when you connect your tweets and your statuses.  The status and the tweet are both different and beautiful things.  Trying to make them the same is like when they made ketchup green, or put jelly in the same jar as peanut butter.  Don't make it something it's not, keep your hashtags where they belong.

Don't talk about how much you hate Facebook.  Don't complain every time there's a change.  It's overdone, and it's not like you have anything better to do...Bubble Shooter is only interesting for so long.  Facebook updates are infinite.  Everytime you hit refresh, someone from high school you'd almost forgotten about has probably just posted something entertaining that makes you feel better about yourself (e.g. "Just got off work" posted at 2:30 a.m. from 7-Eleven).

In a nutshell, the rules of Facebook are simple: only post funny stuff, and write on my wall a lot so I look popular.  Stalk on, you whippersnappers.