Annoying People Friday: Kids in the Dining Hall

One of the greatest mysteries in my life is why people go on dates out to eat.  Do you ever think about how nasty you look while you eat?  Don't, because you'll be eating in solitude for the rest of your life.  Seriously, why would anyone go on a first date to a nice Italian restaurant?  I can barely hold it together eating an Uncrustable, let alone a plate of spaghetti.

Now imagine your average college buffet-style dining hall.  If an image of an African Sahara watering hole around mating season popped into your head, you're pretty much on point.  But I guess it makes sense that if you put all-you-can-eat tots and sizzling burgers in the same vast room as about 400 hormonal college students, you get the worst display of human etiquette possible.

For example, people who start shoveling food in their mouths before they make it back to their seat.  Why are you in such a rush?  Hint: That's not what they mean by "Hunger Games."  This person is usually a dude wearing a baseball hat, gym shorts, and some nasty cut-up shirt that smells like yesterday's sweat.  I understand that you need post-workout sustenance, after all doing thousands upon thousands of bicep curls takes it out of you.  But while stuffing syrupy pancakes into your mouth as you walk is undoubtedly sticky and impressive, it makes you look like a caveman.  

Makes me do this.

Then you have the biddies practically licking the back of your neck in the salad line.  Sorry that I like to disperse my shredded carrots evenly but if you'd stop giving me atta-boy butt slaps with your plate maybe I'd be more inclined to move it along and less inclined to "accidentally" dump fat-free honey mustard on your pedicured toesies.  

And take the people who were sitting at your table before you.  Were they re-enacting the battle of Gettysburg with their food, or were they just eating glue and then smearing their hands all over the table?  When I was growing up, my mom told me we didn't have a kitchen fairy to clean up after my mess, but apparently not everyone learned that lesson.  Oh well, college is a glorious place where the girls are always pretty and kind souls clean up your mess when you missile-launch half-chewed biscuit out of your mouth in between your story about how drunk you were last night.

All I ask is that we take a moment to remember all those table manners our parents worked so hard instilling into us.  Think about that the next time you slam your fist down on a ketchup packet, or spend 2 minutes filling up a glass with every different kind of soda to make "Mystery Drank."