A Letter to My High School Self

Dear 17-year-old Sallie,

Hey girl! It's me...and I guess you.  You're probably sitting in a hookah bar, pretending to read texts on your purple flip phone and thinking you're a badass because you don't think the employees know you and your 12 friends aren't 18.  Live it up girl.  Live it up.

First of all, I need you to listen the hell up.  I know your life sucks and all right now because you haven't figured out brown eye shadow and curling gel is not your best look, but here's the good news: you won't always be in high school.  Things get better, specifically around junior year of college when you ditch the high school boyfriend and you turn 21, but I don't want to give away endings, so enough about that.  Let's focus on the here and now.

Number one: stop listening to Owl City.  You will regret that, when four years from now -- no matter what you do -- it still accounts for 12 of your 25 most recently played songs on iTunes.

Take a minute to apologize to everyone who ever went to your MySpace and had to hear this crap playing automatically.

Number two: lose the punk rock look.  What is that?  I know you want everyone to know you went to the Warped Tour, but you didn't need to buy a T-shirt from every band you saw.  Also, you look like a hoodrat, and nothing screams tool like writing "Hug more" on one Converse and "Hate less" on the other.

Speaking of looks, Mom was wrong when she said you look the best senior year of high school, so don't be alarmed when those graduation pics come back and you look sweaty and fat.  Don't blame it on the photographers either, because the truth is, you are sweaty and fat.  Get over it.  Also, quit being a brat and maybe your mom will like you a little better.

Stop thinking you're cool, cause ya ain't.  The things that you think are cool and try to discreetly brag about are actually really freaking embarrassing.  Think about that the next time you open your mouth to blurt out some fact about horses or volleyball.  It might also behoove you to not make out with your entire grade, but ya know, hormones are hard to control, so I understand.

Here's a friendly suggestion: maybe you shouldn't drive for a couple years.  At the very least, try to avoid ever reversing, your friends' driveways and most parking lots.  It'll save you a few replacement car doors and your dad a few buckaroos.

Other than that, keep on doing what you do, which from what I can remember consists of trying to get teachers fired and rigging the senior superlatives.

"Peace out river trout," as you would say.  (Stop that, too.)