Take a Walk on the Wild Side

I, like my father, and my father's father, and my father's father's father, am a creature of a habit.  I live by a set routine, and my sense of adventure is limited to the teacup ride at the fair that comes to the mall parking lot twice a year.  I've made the same amount of coffee with the same flavor of creamer every day for three years, and if I don't get my usual elliptical at the gym I won't work out.  Pretty much the only thing that changes in my life are my moods and the type of shampoo I buy because I like to switch that up (you know, keep my hair follicles on their...roots).  A lot of people complain that your life gets boring when you get older, but I don't have to worry about this.  I know what I'm going to be like when I'm older: exactly the same as I am now.  Every once in awhile, though, I take a walk on the wild side...

For example, sometimes I sleep on the other side of the bed.

Once I got into Costco without a membership card.

I jaywalk on occasion, but you can bet I scream my head off as I run flailing across the [totally empty] street.

I don't repeat after I lather and rinse, because I strongly believe once was enough.  Don't exploit me, Tresemme.

Sometimes I pay for dates (okay, that one's not true...but I thought about it one time).

One time I drove through a stop light because I thought it was a stop sign.

I don't always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming, and I rarely wait after I put on sunscreen, which results in painful stinging of the eyes for, ironically, 30 minutes.

My parents wouldn't let me watch Spice World when I was younger but one time I did at a sleepover.

I tell my eye doctor I use Renu contact solution, but I actually use the Walmart brand.

Speaking of the eye doctor, when I go in for exams I look at the letter sheet on the wall real quick before I sit down and memorize the bottom row.  He thinks my eye sight is getting better, sucker.

Usually I send my rent in the day it's due, but I always put the date as day before so it looks like the postal system was late, not me.  I don't think my landlord buys it, but he's pretty chill.

Some days I drink more than eight glasses of water.

I shaved my legs for the first time without telling my mom, then I got scared so I let my hair grow back out.

I told the hostess at Fuddrucker's that my name was Bon Qui Qui.  It's not.

Oh, and one time I committed a hit and run.

Just kidding.

Or am I.