If I Were President

I don't like politics.  I just registered to vote three weeks ago, and I'm almost 21.  Some people might say I'm not a very good citizen, but let's be honest: What is the real root of America?  It's not debates over politics, political parties or world peace.  It's debates over who is better, keg parties and whirled ice cream.  If you need any more convincing, look at the first Thanksgiving.

Despite my keen disinterest and apathy in regards to all things governmental, I think I have a few good ideas to get this country back on track and re-establish the ideals our founding pappys had in mind.

First and foremost I would require all cars to install a mechanism that will not allow them to turn unless the turn signal is on and operating at the time the steeling wheel is turned.  I am so sick of driving behind someone and having to evade the rear of their minivan as they erratically switch lanes or swerve into the Sheetz parking lot.  I believe this initiative would increase safety and cut down on road rage.

Secondly, I would require all young couples looking to reproduce to pass an intricate and complex test.  While of course there would be an IQ portion, a substantial segment of the test will be spent determining whether the hopefuls have any sort of common sense.  There will be basic questions, like the ones as follows:

True or False: I will bribe my kids and let them grow up and be brats.
True or False: Soccer is a cool sport and is fun to watch.
True or False: It's okay to not use your turn signal if you're only switching lanes.

And so on and so forth.  (If you answered true for any of the above, please promptly readjust your life.)

Thirdly, I would increase hygiene and sanitation regulations.  How, you ask?  By hiring people to clean public toilets after each use.  This may seem excessive to someone who only bathes once a week, but to the rest of the populace this means no more crouching over urine-spotted (or should I say other-people's-rine-spotted...get it??) toilet seats, unflushed bowls and floors littered with wet paper towels.  And it creates jobs, so I don't really see how anyone can argue with that.

Lastly, at every global diplomatic meeting I will have perched on my shoulder a bald eagle that I have trained to be tame but look sasha-fierce.  This way, the United States can scare its competitors into doing what we want to via our new avian influence.  Also, I will hold a vote for what the name of the bald eagle mascot should be, but if you don't pick the name Blaze you'll no longer be considered an American, thus losing your rights to enter hot dog eating contests.

If you like what I stand for, which is suppressing annoying people and creating better-quality chicken nuggets, then vote for me, Sallie Drumheller, in 2012.  Thank you and goodbye.