Guest Post: Why Halloween Sucks

Halloween. Such a pointless holiday. Yeah, you get free candy, but does my fat ass need that candy and all that temptation? No. All that will get me is much needed extra time at the gym, so don’t shove your big 200 piece candy bags in my face, Walmart. Also now that I’m in college, Halloween has set a whole new standard of sluttiness. I don’t know, there’s probably plenty of people who enjoy girls wearing basically nothing. But not me. With my right as a human being, there are just some things I shouldn’t be forced to see, ya know. And also there is just too much work involved in Halloween. I don’t want to have to plan my costume, and then spend money on it or take the time to actually make it. I’d rather lay around and eat that 200 piece bag of candy and call it a night. Okay, so maybe I’m just a scrooge about halloween. But I will admit that I do love the halloween costumes for dogs though, they always make me laugh and who wouldn’t want to dress their dog up as a hot dog, a wall mount, or an ice cream sundae?

So forget halloween…give me two Christmases instead.

"ButMomcandymakesmesleepIpromiseMomMomMompleeaaaase?"

*Post by Alix Gore, the ghoulest girl I know.

Things I Don't Understand

There are things in this world that I suppose will always be mind-boggling to me, like how some people just don't shower that much or why it takes me two hours to start my homework sometimes.  Here are the top things that I just don't get.

Decaf coffee. Like why? Coffee doesn't taste that great as it is, and the only reason I tolerate it is because a) it makes me feel like I'm in that movie Limitless when he takes that pill and becomes a super-human, b) I can talk at people at a much higher rate than I normally do and c) I half it with french vanilla coffee creamer (literally...half and half). So WHY would you take out caffeine, the major benefit of coffee, unless you like scalding, teeth-yellowing bitter drinks.

People who only run as exercise. Firstly, running is not fun. There's no such thing as "runner's high" and if you believe that nonsense then you may have been dropped as an infant and are currently living in a fantasy world. I'm happy that people exercise, but unless the body type you're going for is frail and arthritic by the age of 30 then maybe you should rethink your strategy and go do hardcore things like lift stuff. 

  

When people leave bags in their car windows when they leave them on the side of the road. I'm sure this is some sort of cultural signal but the three people I just asked in my vicinity had no idea what it means so someone please tell me. 

 
People who bring their iPad and iPad keyboard to class to take notes on.  Congratulations, you just made a laptop. 

How the hell to fold a fitted sheet. When my mom does it, it ends up in a perfect golden rectangle. When I do it, I get tangled up in it and suffocate. 

Yeah okay, maybe if you're Jesus, son of God and part-time miracle worker.

How boring people get married. I guess they marry other boring people and have boring babies.

People who call in to radio DJs to talk. If you're that bored, why don't you text people you've actually met until they respond, or look at your split ends, or play Scramble With Friends. That's what I do.

Why Justin Timberlake invested in MySpace. That is one sexy even JT can't bring back.

But if anyone can do it...he can.

What happens to all my money?

Why boys are funnier than girls. Believe me, I'm as feminist as they come but you can't deny that if a boy made the same joke I made, people would laugh harder at the boy. Also they can get away with more. Making fart noises is funny when my boyfriend does it (albeit mildly), when I do it it's immature. What freakin' gives.

People who hum in public. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT. There's a reason bands don't have hummers, and it's because it's annoying and it sounds like crap.

Lost clothing or shoes. I understand leaving your sweater at a restaurant or something, but I think my room is a black hole for clothing. This week I lost a pair of leggings. I wore them only in my house, and somehow they have disappeared. Same with my socks. I put them immediately into my laundry basket, but somehow when the dryer is done I have one sock that has no sock-friend. Maybe my washing machine is eating with them. Same with people who lose shoes. What were you doing that you would leave wherever you were without your shoes?

And lastly...

Top Ten Things Rappers Rap About

1. How they haven't changed and how they still "do me" and run with the same crew.  I'm not sure if someone accused all rappers of forgetting where they came from at some point but they all are really intent on proving they have not, in fact, forgotten.  Cue shout out to the hometown/NFL team from the hometown.
2. How they get a lot of free drinks at bars.  I think this is mostly because they actually just never pay.  I mean you can't just tell 50 Cent he has to close his tab.  He was shot nine times.
3. All their haters.  (There are a lot.)
4. How much weed they smoke.  I don't understand this.  How are they never caught?!
5. Hailie.*
6. "The game."
7. How many cars they have, and why they deserve them because they came from nothing.
8. Girls.  Rap songs are kind of like modern day sonnets, and are actually pretty flattering if you like having your butt compared to a stripper's.  
9. Their rap mentors/friends/guys in the recording studio. 
10. The lighting in the club.  If it needs to be turned up so they can see what they're drinking or, more disturbingly, touching then you better believe they'll rap about it.  Likewise, if the lights need to be turned down for the same reasons, or perhaps because a girl looks better with the lights off.  Lighting is important.

*Only applies to Eminem.