Gimme Yo Number, and I'll Call, and I'll Follow Dat...Biddie...to the Mall

If you stop to think about it, winter 'tis the season to be a biddie.  Officially starting the holidays with Black Friday, biddies can shop till they drop all the way through December, get a whole bunch of glittery loot and new clothes on the 25th, and ring in the New Year with a bottle of champagne and a midnight make-out sesh.  But amidst all the holiday hullabaloo is the awkward 5-day stretch between Christmas and New Year's Eve, through which we are currently trudging.  

I'm on winter break, and while I love being home I miss my daily dose of JMU biddies!!  I may or may not have set this as my homepage...But in an effort to make my life interesting once again, I ventured outside to Valley View Mall in the neighboring metropolis of Roanoke, which all the little Blacksburg country mice refer to as "the Big City."  Roanoke is not classy, it is weird and sketchy and is the place of my birth so I think that tells you all you need to know. 

This is Roanoke's star attraction (haha get it??).  It's less cool in real life (although there is a zoo with prairie dogs close by).  Sadly I've been on a date there.  

Now I'm kind of a contradiction because while I hate being around people, I love people watching.  Malls and airports are my favorite spectator spots and amidst climbing over skimpy sale racks and piles of mismatched shoes I spotted several different types of biddies today.

The Pre-Biddie

Anywhere between the ages of 11 and 14, the pre-biddie is awkward because she's in Hollister buying clothes for normal biddies, has a cell-phone she's texting and walking with (UGH), and might be wearing the same outfit as you, just 5 sizes smaller.  Don't be fooled because she is only a child masquerading as a biddie.  Pre-biddies are particularly freaky and I don't know why they are at Express and not Limited Too.  In my day we went to Aeropostale but apparently Anne Taylor Loft is all the rage among tweens these days.

Tweens these days, am I right??!

The Pregnant Biddie

I was shopping with my mom and pregnant sister-in-law, so we made a stop in Motherhood Maternity, or something.  Actually, I was there for about 5 seconds before I started feeling too out of place and had to leave.  Pregnant biddies have an up on the rest of us because they get to act however they want (the only perk of being pregnant, in my opinion) so they have an attitude much larger than their baby bump.  

Work it ladies!!

Uh.

The Home From College Biddie

Just a regular biddie, but she's with her mom so she is milking daddy's credit card for all it's worth.  She can be found convincing her mom to buy her a glitter skirt and/or leopard print heels in Charlotte Russe.  (This is me.)

But seriously I need these.  Also, did you know there is a whole section on CharlotteRusse.com for "Going Out" shoes?!  Biddie paradise!

The High School Biddie

Apparently there's not enough to do in Roanoke (not surprising) so the mall has become the hot date spot.  These biddies are kind of trashy and think it's cute to wander around holding hands with their boyfriend (who has his other hand occupied by holding up his sagging pants) going the pace of a dead snail.

If you are one of the lucky few who don't go to malls except for after Christmas to make returns, there are a few places to avoid if you're trying to stay away from biddies.  Don't go to the Clinique counter at JC Penney, Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works, DEB, any of the places mentioned in this post, or the Dippin Dots booth in the food court.  

IT'S ALMOST NEW YEARS!!!!!!

Annoying People Friday: Special Holiday Edition

I'm not sure what it is but I have just been so full of the holiday spirit lately (unlike my usual Grinchy self)! I've been listening to my beloved Jessica Simpson Christmas album on repeat, sitting by the fire, personally taking responsibility for buying Target's entire stock of candy canes and I even wanted it to snow the other day! I hate snow, and anything dealing with the outdoors between November and March.

But just because it's the second-most glorious time of the year (first being my birthday, duh) doesn't mean you can escape annoying people. Here's a few to avoid this holiday season.

People From Your High School

Reuniting with all your old flames and acquaintances from high school was fun MAYYYBE during freshman year but chances are by now you've forgotten about most of the people with whom you weren't genuinely friends.  A rule that should be abided by all year long but is especially difficult to manage this time of year: Avoid any get-togethers or parties where you could run into those people you've subconsciously repressed.  If you don't, the result will be regressing back into your 17-year old self, just without braces and the gawky high school boyfriend to hold your sweaty hand.  It's very Freudian, just avoid it.

People Who Berate You For Not Loving Egg Nog
This person is usually the host of a holiday party you already don't want to be attending.  They've noticed that you have parked yourself next to the dessert table and are single-handedly demolishing the peppermint bark.  They try to offer you some "nog" as distraction that you are somehow forced to choke down despite your polite refusals.  Excuse me for being not-disgusting and also not wanting to ingest a slimy thick liquid that looks and smells suspiciously like curdled milk. (For more on how nasty eggnog is and other annoying holiday things read this article that I find amusing.)

Don't let this fool you!

Whyyyy so many types?

Santa probably threw this on the ground.

And they don't stop with regular eggnog!

Is this what happens to your bowels after you drink eggnog?

I don't know this lady but she came up when I did a Google Image search for "eggnog yuck."  JUST STAY AWAY FROM IT.

Although if the party needs livening I would suggest expressing your hatred/love for eggnog and see how physical the debate gets; people are rarely neutral about this topic.

Children Under 12
This is another group that should be avoided all year long but especially during Christmas.  Children, if encountered between December 17th-25th can either be found screaming, crying, or running into you with a shopping cart.  I hate when they throw tantrums at the mall about getting their picture taken with Santa, like they are the first ones that have realized how weird and creepy it is.  GET OVER YOURSELF, we've all been there and survived.  I know that my children aren't getting any presents for Christmas until they have their own kids because until then they are all brats.

People Who Care If You Say "Happy Holidays," "Merry Christmas," etc.
I avoid this situation entirely by not wishing anybody any sort of season's greetings.

One last word of advice, don't forget to also lay low around your mom because she's probably real mad that you're not helping cook or wrap presents.  Happy Holidays!

What Happens When I Bake

Ever since I was little I have hated baking (except when my mom would leave the room to take a phone call and I would stuff as much sugar cookie dough into my mouth as I could before she returned).  Unfortunately for me, I am the only girl in my family and was basically bred to do girly things.  By age 4 I think my clothes took up 2 closets and we had a Rubbermaid full of bows to match every outfit.  I can sew, braid hair, shop till I drop, and arrange a damn good kitchen table centerpiece but do NOT ask me to cook.

My mom expended exorbitant effort trying to prepare me for living on my own, teaching me how to make mashed potatoes and open cans, but I think she gave up after my 7th meltdown over having to touch raw chicken breasts (ha, breasts).

In one last attempt to turn her failure of a daughter into a self-sufficient young lady she put together a cookbook full of "easy" family recipes with 8 ingredients or fewer.  I've tried a couple, ruined both, and given up because both times I have ended up having to clean up my entire house because of cheese explosions.  I don't know how I manage to mess up macaroni and cheese but let me assure you, it can be done.

So recently I mentioned I have a very limited budget.  In efforts to save money on Christmas presents I  have decided to bake for my family members (if you're a family member reading this, sorry, no surprises for you this year), which should be interesting considering I can't bake.  My problem is that I see all these cute things on Pinterest but don't let the pictures fool you, your version will look like vomit, or the cake in "Sleeping Beauty."

I don't know about you guys but that actually looks delicious.

Today I decided to make no-bake cookies.  It seemed like the perfect option for me...no ovens, no casual house fires, what could go wrong?  The answer is EVERYTHING.  I never read the recipes all the way through so by the time I realized we were out of cocoa powder the sugar and butter concoction was boiling over onto the stove.  Then I decided it would be good to substitute Swiss Miss hot chocolate mix for unsweetened cocoa powder so whoever eats the cookies will immediately keel over from sugar overload (my plan is falling into place BWAHAHAHA).

The cookies are supposed to look like this:

They kind of do, just imagine that kind of texture covering the cabinets in our kitchen and some in my hair.

What this experience has taught me is that because my chances of getting rich are pretty slim maybe I can start a cooking show where people laugh at my misfortunes and grease fires.  We wouldn't have to pay writers because the script would consist of me squealing and screaming, but of course there would be employees to clean up after my mess.

State of the Union

Since you're all dying to know what my life has been like recently I'll tell you (I'm waiting for my portfolio review to start and have an hour to kill).

This week is finals and as a result I've been spending a lot of time on social media websites and also formulating a theory that I'm going crazy.  My mom says I'm just stressed but if stress means paranoia, forgetfulness, feeling like your head is suffocating, catching yourself drooling, and daydreams that feel like acid trips then yes Mom, I am just stressed.

[RANT ALERT] Anyways, social media.  First of all, people need to stop posting pretentious articles about half-assed studies that call for social change.  Here's the thing, we all know the the government is corrupt, that the Earth is running out of resources, and that our generation sucks because we eat too many Cheetos and send too many texts.  You do NOT need to make your status some angst-filled call for change because if you actually cared you would figure out a way to freaking do something about it.  So it looks like your plan backfired because not only do you not look smart but you look lazy, so congratulations and welcome to the rest of society.

Secondly, making your status song lyrics to send subliminal messages to people who you're mad at is not discreet.  It's not cute when it's some Beyonce song and it's definitely not cute when it's some band no one has ever heard of so just don't.

Thirdly, no one gives two poops about your finals because PEOPLE ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.  Here's one of my favorite tweets from this week depicting this notion:

If you're going to rant about finals (that may I remind you EVERYONE HAS), at least make it funny.  Some girl in my class walked into the lab today and stared at me, told me she had been there until 6am the night before, and that her "life is a shithole."  What I like about her is that her situation is more desperate than mine and also she wasn't complaining.  It was so matter-of-fact and she just didn't even care.

Now that I've completed my own rant I want to take a few moments to remind you all how to maintain sanity during this trying time.  The light at the end of the tunnel is this: In a few days you'll be home with your family, wishing they hadn't eaten all the cinnamon buns before you woke up and having a grand old time.

Yesterday I decided to get a little head-start on my Christmas shopping.  The thing about being in college is that because you're so busy crunching for finals (read: complaining on Twitter about crunching for finals) you don't really acknowledge the jolly holiday spirit of Christmas until after you get home when you have 2 days to finish your shopping.  I emailed my 5 siblings/siblings-in-law a couple days ago to see if we could draw names instead of giving everyone gifts so I could save some money, only to find out that they've all done their shopping.  Here's one of their responses:

Little late on this one.  My shopping is dunzo.  But don’t worry, I don’t expect anything over $50 from you, so don’t feel like you have to spend that much.  Ha!

No but seriously, if you don’t get me something worth some money I will kill you.  Because let’s face it, that’s what the holidays are all about; showing people how much they’re worth to us by how much we spend on them.

OH GREAAAAT. So now I'm the asshole that is giving everyone a construction paper heart and a sudoku puzzle I printed off the Internet because I can't afford gifts.  Seriously, if I had money I would buy groceries (although professors have been very generous so I've mostly been eating free bagels with a side of stolen apples from the dining hall), not presents that you won't even like anyway.

But there are a few things I'm finding solace in:

• I'm getting ready to sell my text books back which means I'll probably be a whole $20 richer.
• Stress-eating is absolutely acceptable during finals week, so bring on the pancakes.
• Tomorrow I'm going home which is a dang good thing because people need to get the hell out of this town before we freak out and kill everyone.  Tensions are running way too high.
• I haven't thrown up in the library bathroom this week.
• I haven't actually been to the library this week.
• At least I recognize that I'm going crazy so maybe I can have a little fun while I'm doing it.

Aaaand in closing to lift your spirits, here is my second favorite tweet from this week:

Haha, what if someone actually said this?....I said it yesterday.  Kidding but not.  But kind of.  Okay bye.

Dear Santa

I’ve been poor for about 2 years now, not for any good reason but because I buy things like Nerf guns and Waffle House All-Star Specials, and then I’m too ashamed to ask my parents for money.  Save my birthday, Christmas is the only time of year when I can ask for something really expensive, sometimes receive it, while usually having a lot of other wants of mine be fulfilled. Here are a few things I’m asking for this year…

A pet wolf

Any article of clothing covered in glitter, sequins, or feathers.

Convertible Mustang, any year, preferably in aqua.

A real mustang.

Michael's gift card, $3000 should cover my needs.

Night vision goggles, casual.

Ryan Gosling.

And a crock pot.

Annoying People Friday: Pretentious People

I’m majoring in media arts and design and minoring in studio art, and while I’m happy with these choices because neither department has Friday classes, both fields seem to attract an overwhelming amount of douches. I spend my days surrounded by pretentious people, meaning I roll my eyes and scoff a much higher percentage of the time than normal people do. But not all pretentious people are the same.

Emo Artist

First, you have emo artists. While I do see the usefulness of critiques, these are the people that take it way too far. They try to divulge meaning out of a brown paper bag, saying that it represents man’s inhumanity and their ultimate downfall. Okay, crackpot. And you should HEAR some of the people in my art class when they explain their work. If you want to know about any of my classmates’ strained relationships with their mothers, I could probably tell you more than you wanted to know. I saw a girl cry once while she was presenting. Tie it up, it is 10am on a Monday and you’re making me really uncomfortable.

Hipsters

I know those Ray-Bans ain’t prescription and that scarf is from Target, not a boutique that only you know about, so cut the crap. Hipsters LOVE class discussions because it means they can talk about themselves and how things make them feel, which everybody loves but hipsters think they're emotions are unique and their opinions are groundbreaking. Well guess what, hipsters? I'm here to actually learn, not listen to why you think Bing is the up-and-coming search engine and why Google is actually collapsing, if it hasn't already. You're stupid, and everyone knows Google owns the world. However, their love of conspiracy theories keeps them entertaining and is their only redeeming quality.

The Ones That Don't Even Care

These are the pretentious people that never say anything to make you mad, either because they're asleep in the back of the room or strolling in to class 30 minutes late...casual. I once had a kid saunter in to one of my classes FIFTEEN minutes before it ended. I mean, whatever, I don't care if you go to class or if you show up at all but seriously at that point why bother? These people suck the most when they don't do any of the work but somehow do better at everything than your butt-busting self.

I suppose I'm being too harsh on these people though, because reading back on this post I realize how pretentious I sound, which is where the irony is.  So I guess the category I fit in is The Asshole, the person that thinks they are above everyone else, scoffs and scowls during class, and then goes home to write what they assume to be a witty blog about assholes when they, are in fact, the asshole.  Long hair don't care.

Tutorial Tuesday: How to Hit on a Girl

There's no doubt college is the most glorious time in someone's life (besides being a baby when you can be naked, poop anywhere, and not have to feed yourself...which I guess is surprisingly similar to some people's college lifestyle).  College is one of the best times to date people because as my mom once pointed out to me, there is a pre-screened group of thousands of people who are the same age as you, with fairly similar interests, who are assumedly smart (although I have found copious evidence against this).

Now, apologies are in order because I’ve been under the impression that most of my devoted readers (that means you) are biddies like me, but I realize that I may have been too quick to categorize my audience. For all the dudes out there that are just trying to find yourself a classy lady, this tutorial is for you.

Let's say you've found the lucky girl and are ready to make some moves. Here's a flow chart to help you get started.

As you can see I've identified two main strategies: using a wingman and using a line.  She may or may not fall for either of those but it is a safe starting point.  

Haaaave you met Ted?

Once you start conversing with her look for some signs to see if she's into you.  If she's looking at her split ends she's probably bored.  Try a few dance moves (ask her before you dance up behind her though, it's weird when people sneak-attack you), ask her if she likes cats or dogs better, or if you have any party tricks like hand-walking or kleptomania now would be a good time to show off your skills.

So now that you've enticed her with your personality, a crucial time of the night is approaching: the end of it.  It is VERY IMPORTANT not to screw this up.  You don't want to come on too strong but you also don't want her to slip through your fingers like a bar of soap (girls do that, you know).  Don't ask her to walk you home because after all you are a man and also people see right through that crap.  DO ask her for her phone number but in order not to seem too into her - which would lead to her knowing for sure that you like her which would lead to you dating which would lead to her feeling like she doesn't have to look cute around you anymore, which before you know it takes you right into your mid-40s - keep it casual.  Turn to the side (don't look her head on) and say, "Let me get your number" as you look at your phone.  

Based on this exchange she might assume that you are a douchebag but here is where you can turn the odds in your favor.  Text her THE NEXT DAY about how you liked meeting her, blah blah blah, and if she wants to get lunch soon.  Douchebags either text 3 or more days later, only past 10 p.m., or never, so she will think you are totally cute.  If she's a biddie take her to Panera, if she's eclectic take her somewhere downtown (no burger joints unless you know she's a carnivore), or if she's me take her to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.  Lunch is a safe bet because if you have the time of your life you can continue doing so the rest of the day, but if it's a bust you can skip out to go to your "dentist appointment."

I'm a girl, you can trust me that all of this is accurate and guaranteed.  Just remember to be the respectful gentleman your mom raised you to be and don't be nervous, girls rarely bite.  Although it would be funny if they did.  Kind of.  Uh what?

Warm Biddies = Happy Biddies

Oh the weather outside is…FREEZING COLD, and the biddies aren’t happy about it. Today in one of my classes I had to listen to the bunch of morons I "learn" with conspire about how Seasonal Affective Disorder is not a real thing. Anybody who is around me from November to April knows that SAD is a very serious disorder that can turn even the most naturally pleasant buttercup like me into a raging bitch (disclaimer: I’m the only one who can call myself a bitch so don’t think this gives you liberty to do the same). I get cold drinking a glass of water, so imagine my little butt walking across campus in the whipping wind wearing three pairs of leggings, jeans, and fake Uggs…MISERABLE. Luckily this year I am really getting into faux fur and will soon be in possession of a new winter coat that will transform me into a highly fashionable and slightly warm Eskimo, courtesy of Mossimo by Target.

In the past few days the fine metropolis of Harrisonburg has experienced a severe drop in temperature. Currently I would estimate the outdoor temperature to be about 42 degrees with the windchill making it seem like -42….hundred. Here’s the actual weather report…

Although I don’t like to admit it there are some girls here that are smarter than I am that have bundled up in some exotic but very cozy-looking outfits. Just today I’ve seen about 5 girls that look like they came straight out of Siberia. I’m working on improving my sneaky-cell-phone-picture skills so hopefully soon I’ll be able to capture the stuff I see and broadcast it to you via pixels. Anyway, hours of observation have given me more than enough experience to find this season’s must-haves to guarantee the biddies won’t get BITTEN (see what I did there?) by frost this winter…

Mink hats, available in Russia.

Furry boots, available on Sesame Street.

I actually really want these...

...but not as much as THIS!  It's HEATED.  And it comes in my favorite color, camo.

Other options for staying warm this winter are to get a job as your school's mascot (only if you have 24-hour access to the costume though), wearing a wet suit underneath all your outfits, and not going outside. I'm trying a 3-pronged approach with all of these strategies; updates to come. Until then I'm drinking my weight in scalding hot chocolate, see ya tastebuds.

Confirmed: I'm a Dude Magnet

I’ve never been one for horoscopes, but I could spend hours upon hours reading about the affect of birth order on personalities and then analyzing all my friends. It’s pretty neat stuff, you should look it up if you’re interested.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m the youngest of 4 children, with 3 older brothers. 

This is typically how things go.

Every time someone discovers this about me they always, without fail, ask me with a bewildered look, “What’s that like?” which is just about the stupidest question to ask someone. Um, I don’t know, I also have brown eyes and a cat and I’d be happy to tell you about those experiences as well...?  Sometimes I just want to respond, “What is it like to have a huge piece of spinach stuck in between your teeth” and then see how long they spend trying to get “it” out. But in their defense and in the defense of stupid small talk everywhere, I think being the youngest girl has had paramount influence on my personality.

For example, I am 100% spoiled rotten. It’s not my fault that the idea that I’m a princess has been reinforced everyday of my life, whether it be through trashy T-shirts given as gifts that say “Daddy’s Little Angel” in rhinestones or that I figured out a few fake tears go a long way from a young age.

Try doing a Google search on your particular birth order. Some of the descriptions are spot on, others made me laugh. According to one site, I 

"Expect others to do things, make decisions, take responsibility.”

This is definitely true. Every night I like to hold a contest to see who in the vicinity of wherever I am wants the honor of making me dinner. Oddly, entries have been at record-breaking lows since moving out of my parents’ house.

Here’s another truth nugget about youngest children: 

"If youngest of three, often allies with oldest child against middle child."

Funny story, we actually used to have 5 kids in my family, until my oldest brother Tom and I teamed up during an especially rousing round of Crazy 8’s and killed Dylan.

During the extensive minutes of research I did for this post I learned that lastborns are “happy-go-lucky,” which I guess to an extent I am. I mean, if we said we were going to Chipotle for lunch but you decide you want Subway instead I’m probably not going to pee myself over it. In all seriousness, I do feel distinctly uncomfortable when the mood is not an overall enjoyable one; I hate when I even think that people are mad at me and I will throw jokes around during serious moments just to end the awkwardness.  (Most of the time they just make things more awkward.)

In one final testament to the credibility of birth order affecting your personality, according to BirthOrders.com, I am basically hot shit:

“Younger sisters of brothers are magnets to men...They often find that they have more men attracted to them than other girls.”

DEFINITELY TRUE.  So in summary, if you want to know what it's like having 3 older brothers, let me just say this: It's hard being super attractive and spending the majority of my time fending off boys, but I've accepted this as my lot in life.  After all, not everybody can be this hot:

Get at me, boys.

Gobble Gobble, BIDDIES

One of a biddie's favorite activities is complaining.  When she's not texting, spending her dad's money, or grabbing a light lunch at Panera with her best girl friend, a biddie can usually be found bitching about something (she can also bitch during these activities, say about how her iPhone is soooo annoying, how her dad forgot to give her the monthly allowance, or how there's not enough cheddar in her broccoli cheddar soup).  The life of a biddie is certainly a hard one, and as we all know living in the first world ain't easy.  Even on a joyous, food-filled day like today, so many things could go wrong, like looking fat after dinner or your friendboy forgetting to text you a heartfelt "happy Thanksgiving babycakes."

But in the spirit of the holiday, let's think about all we have for which to be thankful.  First of all, tomorrow is Black Friday which means you can go wrestle with middle-aged women over the J. Crew winter quarter-length sweaters (but hey, they're 10% off so it's not LIKE you would just let her have them!). **

Look at this ecstatic biddie in her natural habitat: fighting and beating older ladies for four sets of twin sheets. THIS COULD BE YOU!!!!!

Secondly, even if you're not the biggest fan of family fun time over the holidays, don't worry because in a few short days you'll be back at school with your friends who love you enough to put up with your complaining (like mine, shout out to all 6 of you...you know who you are).  If you suck and have graduated college then I really don't know what to tell you because on Monday you'll probably have to deal with the person across the cubicle from you who clears his throat every 5 minutes...which is what I imagine post-grad life to consist of solely.

If you suck and you're in high school, then I also don't really know what to tell you because your life is just going to keep getting worse until you graduate, so hang in there champ!  

You can also be thankful because it's getting colder which means you can wear baggier clothes which, by the transitive property means that you can start eating all you want (just in time for Thanksgiving leftovers, yeehaw).  There's at least 4 months before the marketing world will start throwing around venomous words like "swimsuit season" so until then LIVE IT UP GIRLFRIEND.  Along a similar line of thought, Christmas IS just around the corner and judging by the Urban Outfitters catalog I recieved/drooled on recently glitter is totally in this year and I've made up my mind that this Christmas I'm not accepting any gifts that don't sparkle.  

Today I made a list of things I was thankful for (because I was trying to think outside myself for once, or some crap like that).  Anyway, I strongly suggest doing this, you may surprise yourself.  If you really can't find ANYTHING to be thankful for (it can be super simple, like that chicken and dumplings exist, that you don't have a little brat to feed Thanksgiving dinner to first before you can eat, or that Earth sustains life), here is a little gem of literature my friend Harrison alerted me to tonight from the beloved Shel Silverstein book, "Where the Sidewalk Ends":

The One Who Stayed 

You should have heard the old men cry,
You should have heard the biddies
When that sad stranger raised his flute
And piped away the kiddies.
Katy, Tommy, Meg and Bob
Followed, skipping gaily,
Red-haired Ruth, my brother Rob,
And little crippled Bailey,
John and Nils and Cousin Claire,
Dancin', spinnin',turnin'
'Cross the hills to God knows where--
They never came returnin'.
'Cross the hills to God knows where
The piper pranced, a leadin'
Each child in Hamlin Town but me,
And I stayed home unheedin'.
My papa says that I was blest
For if that music found me,
I'd be witch-cast like all the rest.
This town grows old around me.
I cannot say I did not hear
That sound so haunting hollow--
I heard, I heard, I heard it clear...
I was afraid to follow.

I didn't actually read past the word "kiddies" but I was still pretty happy about it.

[RANT ALERT] Lastly, just because you're already thinking about ways to burn off all that turkey doesn't mean it's Christmas yet.  Call me Scrooge but if you start quoting "Elf" or talking about how you've "been looking forward to listening to Christmas music literally allllllll year" anytime before December 10th I will not be friends with you (so if you're one of the 6 and have been looking for an out here's your chance).

**By the way, I just found out it was a thing people do to start shopping the night BEFORE Black Friday, a time I thought was supposed to be reserved for digestion and watching the 7th Land Before Time.  So there's that.

A Picture Post Because Words Are Hard

Today I'm too lazy to actually write, so instead I'm just going to post pictures of things I found on the internet and trick you guys into making you think I've written a new post.

I can't argue with this solid piece of advice, it's worked wonders for me.

Owls are funny.  If you want proof do a google image search for "O RLY." 

I WISH.

This will be my child, and not only on Halloween.

Well somebody was waiting for this text.

I laughed at this for probably 3 minutes.

No they're not that's not possible.

Seriously biddies, get a freaking makeover.

Happy Thanksgiving break everyone!  Also if you want to read more about what I have to say about the holidays, go to this link to see a real stupid group blog I have to write for one of my classes.  If you do it I'll get an A.  Not really but still just do it.

Annoying People Friday, Edition Uno: People Who Need to Calm Down

I wanted to do a post about annoying people, then I realized I encounter far too many breeds and types of annoying people just in daily life to fit in one post, so I think I'm going to make it a weekly thing, as you can see by the title of this post. Sorry it's not a cute little alliteration like "Tutorial Tuesday" or "Way Cool Wednesdays" or other forms of that crap, but here goes...this week's category is People Who Need to Calm Down.

The Anxious Bus Passenger

Because I care about the environment and sustainability and the earth and things, I rely pretty heavily on public transportation to get around campus (the real reason is that I got into a pretty gnarly bike accident in September and haven’t gotten the guts up to ride it again…and by gnarly I mean I scraped my knee).

A real-life example of my personal biddie lifestyle, and also the result of my lack of coordination. 

Now, I’m pretty outgoing but there are a few times when I hate talking to people, like when I’m working out or riding the bus. I usually pick a seat on the bus furthest away from other people, but sometimes you have to share a two-seater. Heaven forbid you sit next to the Anxious Bus Passenger because this person will let you KNOW what stop they’re exiting at, about 3 miles prior to the actual stop. They start gathering their stuff up and kneeing you and half-standing up and breathing heavily and cold-sweating. I’m aware you want to leave but the bus is still moving and it’s not like I’m going to hold you hostage, so take a freaking 1000 milligram chill pill. 

The Beer Pong Champion

Last time I checked, beer pong was a game and games are supposed to be fun. This is the guy that takes beer pong way too seriously and consequently sucks all the fun out of it. He probably looks like this toolbox:

I can't decide if I want this to be Photoshopped or real life... 

He wants to question every rule, know if off-the-ceiling shots count, and has a strange name for every re-rack to make him look like he knows more about the game than anyone else. Do NOT be partners with this kid, and DEFINITELY don’t play against him, because if he wins he won’t shut up about it and if he loses he’ll probably try to kill you later.

The Picture Poser

This biddie takes her camera everywhere, not because she wants to remember her glory days but because she is always on the prowl for her next Facebook profile picture. Do not be friends with her because you will always have to be historian. The catch is not that she’ll always be pushing a camera in your face asking you to “take one of me and BladdyBlah!” but that she’ll demand to know if it’s good .2 seconds after it’s taken. It’s not even like she looks any different from picture to picture, it’s just that she’s obsessed with herself. If you don’t answer fast enough she’ll snatch the camera out of your hands and announce, “Ugh I look like SHET, take another one.” Is that the kind of friendship you want to be trapped in for the rest of undergrad? That's what I thought.

The girl on right has pretty good skinny arm form, you have to admit. She probably fell over right after this was taken, and then made sure it was flattering. 

Apologies to anyone who realized they are any of these people while reading, but also you're welcome. Now you can change your annoying habits and probably lower your blood pressure in doing so.  Happy Friday!