Monday, June 4, 2012

Maybe She's Born With It, Maybe It's Facebook

Behind every biddie is an immaculate, carefully gleaned Facebook profile picture.  We all know the Internet is full of people pretending to be someone they're not, and biddies are no exception.  Biddies are never as pretty as they look, but with the help of Maybelline and the iPhoto Enhance tool any grenade off the street can become a dime piece.

Let me fill you in on a few secrets for how to become someone you're not, complete with pictures of me and some of my favorite biddies, because I'm obsessed with myself and my hot friends.

The Skinny Arm
It's pretty self-explanatory, it's when your arm looks skinny. Pop that hand right on your hip, get your sass-face on and say goodbye to your bat wing.*

You can never skinny arm too much, as I always say.

*Works only when posing in pairs of two or if you're positioned on either end of a line of biddies.

The Leg Pop
Similar to the skinny arm, this feminine poses accentuates one leg, hiding both thunder thighs and your awkwardly rectangular torso.

This is a prime example of both the leg pop and the skinny arm.  So you see you can barely tell I'm 200 pounds in real life.
Your Good Side
A girl can have a bangin' bod but if she's busted in the face then you might as well forget it.  We all have a good side, and if you say both sides of your face are good then you are either living in Fantasy Land or my long lost identical twin.  If you're trying to sabotage one of your frenemies, just take a few clicks through her Profile Picture album, figure out which way she always turns her head and then when you take pictures with her insist you be on your good side (which is always her bad side).  Not that I've done that.  

The Best Friends Pose
If you want to emphasize how good of friends you and your bestie are, there are literally infinite options.  I find kissing each other's cheeks, an ironic-hardly-funny-but-cute prom pose, or close embraces (awkward but good results) work really well.

Clearly we're in love.

The Boyfriend Pose
You've got a boyfriend and now it's time to let the world know it.  Every time a girl takes a picture with her manslice, she puts her hand protectively over his stomach, saying "He's pregnant" and "I own him" all in one adorable gesture.  If you are a boy and a girl puts her hand on your stomach in a picture and you're not dating, you need to run away before you fall victim like so many before you.

If all else fails, you can just do what I do.  Hide the bleak reality that you are severely unphotogenic (read: ugly) by making weird faces on purpose.  Turn the picture into a memento of how hilarious and goofy you are by sticking your tongue out or closing one eye (just make sure it's obvious that it's on purpose and that's not just how your face is).  Your friends like it because it makes them look pretty, just be warned that you will now have the identity of that "weird, vaguely funny girl" that always makes double chins in pictures.

My roommates have perfected this one.

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