Friday, November 4, 2011

My Perfect Man

Now that I’ve established myself as an internet phenomenon, I’ve started preparing for the wave of gentleman cyber-callers I’m bound to be emailed by…any day now…So I thought it might be a good idea to be upfront about what I look for in a manfriend. Every girl has an idea of what her future husband will be like. Maybe he likes kids, gives good back massages, or feigns an interest in her expansive “childhood” beanie baby collection. Who knows, to each her own. But over the years I’ve constructed a pretty solid, if detailed, list of what my perfect husband will be like. Here are my requirements, and no I will not settle for less.

He must be tall and blonde, with a fauxhawk. He should play guitar and sing, as well as hold the high honor of Eagle Scout. He has to make me laugh, but cannot be funnier than me. I also have to be smarter, and I realize this SIGNIFICANTLY lowers the pool of possibilities. I’m not picky about personal style, but a solid (yet not excessive) flannel shirt collection is definitely a plus. If he drives a pick-up truck but owns a convertible Mustang on the side that he’ll give to me on our second date, his chances are looking pretty good. (I will however accept a golden retriever puppy in place of the Mustang.) He can absolutely not criticize my driving habits, and he must be willing to argue with me but also ultimately see that I’m always right. He will let me name at least our first four children and must be aware that James Taylor is the ONLY music suitable to listen to during brunch. He has to let me paint each room of our house a different color, and must also be willing to live in the middle of a sunflower field. He also has to be the kind of dad who transports our children via buggy attached to bicycle. He has to love pranks because I can assure you there will be a prank war occurring during each second of our 53-year marriage. Brownie points if he proposes to me at the top of a rollercoaster, so that way if I throw up out of nervousness I can just blame it on the 200-foot drop I experienced right after he popped the question.

*Applications accepted until position is filled.

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